Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Finally a use for spoilers…

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Fidel Castro was alive?

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.