13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!