13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead