13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Good boy 😂😂
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”