13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.