13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.