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My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7