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Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.