13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
You Might Also Like
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
This is Sparta
three things we don’t talk about
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.