13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
This hospital has everything
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.