14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
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The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Happy thanksgiving
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.