14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
You Might Also Like
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A family that plays together cheats.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.