Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My lighter has 2 options:
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW