14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today