14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
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The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
even bears disappoint their mothers
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence