14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
You Might Also Like
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.