@Prof_BrianCocks

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

@wokkax3

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.

@LeBearGirdle

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@GrantTanaka

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@Colleen1913

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

@Carbosly

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.