@JennyJohnsonHi5 Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
@Prof_BrianCocks “14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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@JennyJohnsonHi5 
@wokkax3 Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.
@LeBearGirdle [At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
@tastefactory Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
@WilliamAder Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
@GrantTanaka the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
@Swishergirl24 -911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
@PaperWash Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
@Colleen1913 Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
@Carbosly I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.