@flashember [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
@Prof_BrianCocks “14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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@flashember 
@Cheeseboy22 I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
@murrman5 lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
@markedly What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@nami_knows Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
@mommywhitfield I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
@TheToddWilliams GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
@bonehugsnirony The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
@BadJordon Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
@daemonic3 Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”