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When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
was Jim off killing horses or…
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary