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I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*