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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do