@chairkeyre
@BryMastas I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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@BryMastas 
@J_Dazzle76 If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
@AnkCoupleTO I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
@CandaceAmos Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
@Grommit56 Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
@panmidwest DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
@EmoPhilips 23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
@dad_chips Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
@mrtruthandsoul Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
@onlyangela0921 If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.