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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Was it something I said?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!