14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
no their not
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.