14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.


Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.


World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.


[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids


Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.


This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.


ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.


Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey


I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.


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