15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
That took me a moment.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.