15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
You Might Also Like
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad