15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
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Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Has science gone too far?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.