1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
True statement👍😏😁