*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Seems kinda suspicious
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..