15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
spicy snake
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.