15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Yes, this is exactly right
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.