15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
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Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO