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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My birthstone is kidney
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now