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*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
For those that worship cheese..
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.