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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.