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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My typo game is string.