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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
real
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways