*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
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ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
the council will decide your fate
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Good morning!
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.