16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
You Might Also Like
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Schrödinger’s cookie
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.