16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Bond. Trauma bond.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack