16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
No. He’s not coming out to play
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.