16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
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In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.