16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”