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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
sigh
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.