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For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.