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ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Lmaoo 😂
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
TRAIN’S HERE
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?