Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.