16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.