Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Sell your car

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.