16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.