16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.