17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Who chose this font
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep