Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*