17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
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“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
thank god the sign was there
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.