17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My work here is done
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Baking is just science you can eat.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.